More on Giving Up

So far, I've received a grand total of three responses to my decision to not do any acting next year.

First, a friend is bugging me to audition for "Fiddler on the Roof".  No.  I DON'T SING.  It's nice that he's thinking of me, but I can't imagine being fulfilled by whatever-part-in-that-musical-that-I-can-actually-manage.  I keep thinking back to "42nd Street", which was for me a major low-point.  I could go in to detail, but in the end: I'm NOT doing "Fiddler on the Roof"!

Second, when I went to see "Rocky Horror Picture Show", another friend came up and joked "I thought you were giving up theatre?"  I replied that I was giving up ACTING.  I still plan on going to shows, thank-you-very-much!

Third, another friend said to me "you've got to do what you've got to do."  Finally, someone understands!  I NEED to do this.  My desire to act has taken me to some very dark places.  I don't look at audition announcements and say "I want to do that play"; rather, I look at audition announcements and say "they'll never cast me in that play."  When I go into an audition, my first instinct is that "I don't stand a chance".  When I leave the audition, even if I think I did a fine job, I'm immediately preparing for the rejection.  Oh, by the way, remember that this is all COMMUNITY THEATRE!  I'm getting this frustrated with community theatre, people doing this just for fun!

I think it all came down to one line, which I realized was both sad and repulsive.  "I'm just not good enough for them to look past my brown skin."  What the hell is wrong with my brown skin?  My desire to act has made me look upon my brown skin as a "negative".

The acting world isn't going to miss me, seriously.  It's not easy to give up on a dream, and I have been very sad for the past few months, since I realized it has come to this.  But I NEED to do this.

Giving up, for now.

My last few auditions?

I got an interesting part in a short play festival, but everyone that auditions for that, pretty much, gets a part.

I was offered a small non-speaking part for "Pink Panther Strikes Again".  The part I was offered was a character named "Hindu Harry".  Um . . . no.  My strongest asset, I have been told repeatedly, is my voice, so a non-speaking part would be a waste of my time.

"Arms and the Man"?  Nope.

"Our Lady of 121st Street"?  Callback, but no.

So, was my experience with "The Last Days of Judas Iscariot" a triumph?  Was I that awesome?  I thought I did pretty well, and people told me I did pretty well, but since then absolutely nothing has changed.  I can't even get the door to hit me on my way out.

I HAVE experienced racism in casting.  More than racism, I have experienced casting directors that just couldn't look past the brown skin.  This is all true, and I have had to deal with it.  But, does that explain everything?  No.  We also have times when my audition just wasn't at its best, and I really deserved to not get the part.  But does that explain everything?  No.  In the end, there is one explanation I need to face: maybe I'm just not that good.

Maybe I am destined, in theatre, to be "that guy that stands by the door" for play after play after play, just happy and thrilled to be on the stage even if I never ever get something that will stretch my acting muscles.  And, at cast parties, I will be there talking about my glory days with "Judas Iscariot".  But I don't want to be that guy.  I don't want to be part of something that has made it SO clear that just doesn't want me.

So, I decided: in 2014, I will not act or audition for anything in the Philadelphia area theatre world.  And that includes classes and short play festivals: things like that just give me an illusion that just gets shattered later.  I will keep an open mind about theatre in other areas -- maybe New York City might be better for me, although I can't imagine driving 2 1/2 hours to get to a rehearsal.  I'll also keep an open mind about film.  But I doubt anything will happen in either case.  I think it's time to just walk away.

"Working Your Way Up" and "Keeping An Open Mind" and . . . not

In 2012, I made a decision that I would no longer take a role that I didn't find interesting.  Now, "interesting" could mean many things.  It doesn't necessarily mean a big part; sometimes, "interesting" means a part that is challenging, that stretches me in some way.  Sometimes, it's none of that: "interesting" could mean "I'm working with a director I've wanted to work with" or "I want to be part of this production, even if I'm only on for a minute".  

2011 told me a lot about what "interesting" didn't mean.  I was in a number of shows, but I was finding parts that just weren't interesting.  I realized this was affecting me.  I was getting bored, I was getting frustrated, and frankly I was getting offended that these parts were all I seemed able to get.

So, 2012, I put down the gauntlet: no more.  

As if to challenge that, right after I made that decision, I received an e-mail asking if I would be interested in a small non-speaking part in one play.  For the first time ever, I turned down a part.  It made sense purely from a practical angle: I lived 45 minutes from that theatre.  I was not going to drive 90 minutes for that!  In the past, though, I would have looked at this as "paying my dues".  Keep an open mind, I would say.  Get my foot through the door, I would say.  They would see me, get impressed by me, and this would lead to better roles.  Right?  

I know of cases where this happens, but it didn't happen to me.  This is because, while directors told me they liked working with me and I was repeatedly hearing that I did an impressive job, there was something "more" that overshadowed all of that -- my skin color.  But even without that: I know far too many people that would take these small "guy standing by the door" parts and, years later, were doing the same "guy standing by the door" parts.  

I don't know why this happens.  My suspicion is that when the directors see you playing a "character in the background", they think of you as a "character in the background".  When they see you doing this often, this gets reinforced.  You become "the person we can count on to play a character in the background".  And that is all you will ever get.  

Last year, I was chatting with a professional actor in New York City, who told me that he had to throw down the same gauntlet in his career.  He said he heard the same advice, too: "there are no small roles" and all that.  But, he wanted a career, and saw that these small roles were not building his career.  He needed to say "stop, enough".  

The thing about these small "guy standing by the door" roles is that they still take time.  You might not have to be at every rehearsal, but you have to be at many of them.  When Hell Week starts, you will be there every night, rehearsals going on for as long as they need. And during the run, you will give up your weekends just like everyone else.  In 2011, I was filling my schedule with small roles.  If there were any interesting roles that would have been a good match for me, chances are my schedule was already filled with these small roles.  I was willing to do this to prove myself, and that was certainly valuable, but after a point I saw that there was no more value.  I HAD proven myself, but proving yourself was not enough.  If I was willing to play "guy standing by the door", I would continue to be cast as "guy standing by the door".  I needed to be willing to say "enough . . . I'm not doing that any more, and IF THAT IS ALL I WILL EVER GET, I AM WILLING TO WALK AWAY FROM ACTING ALTOGETHER".  

What An Amazing Ride . . .

Today, I went to an audition for a short play festival.  I was in this short play festival last year, but going into the audition was completely different than it was last year.  This time, just about everyone there knows me, and I didn't feel out of place or out of my league.  I walk into this theatre feeling like I was going to give it my all, convinced that I would still get nothing for my efforts.  I was comfortable.

I still believe that if I go out and audition again, looking for good and interesting roles, I will be disappointed. I still believe that racial bias in casting is very much there, and I will be turned away repeatedly because of my brown skin.  I still believe I will be given five minute "guy standing in the back" roles.  But right this moment, I'm coming off a high.  Right this moment, I know I have proven myself.  I know that I'm actually good.

In the fall of 2012, I went to two auditions.  One was for a staged reading of "8".  I got a very small part, but the play had me intrigued and I wanted to work with the director.  The other was for the play "The Last Days of Judas Iscariot".  This was a huge part in a challenging play.  The cast was phenomenal, and I knew that I could not "phone in" this performance.  This part actually intimidated me.

And I pulled it off.  I was good.  I was REALLY good.  And I was part of something REALLY good.  This was one of the best plays I've ever been in.

Can I act?  Can I carry a large, demanding part?  Can I rise to the occasion, challenge others as they challenge me?  Can I hold the stage?  I did it all.  I was given a chance, and I took it, and I am very proud of my work.

Maybe I'll never get an opportunity like that again, but at least I had the opportunity that time.  For three weeks, I was a star.  I intend to still hold on to my rule to not take a part that I don't find interesting.  I haven't been auditioning, mainly because I want to hold on to this feeling that I am finally accepted by the theatre community, even if it's just an illusion . . . I don't want to come crashing down and finding that, even after proving myself with this role, I still can't get parts.  But I need to do more, and this short play festival is a good start.