More on Giving Up

So far, I've received a grand total of three responses to my decision to not do any acting next year.

First, a friend is bugging me to audition for "Fiddler on the Roof".  No.  I DON'T SING.  It's nice that he's thinking of me, but I can't imagine being fulfilled by whatever-part-in-that-musical-that-I-can-actually-manage.  I keep thinking back to "42nd Street", which was for me a major low-point.  I could go in to detail, but in the end: I'm NOT doing "Fiddler on the Roof"!

Second, when I went to see "Rocky Horror Picture Show", another friend came up and joked "I thought you were giving up theatre?"  I replied that I was giving up ACTING.  I still plan on going to shows, thank-you-very-much!

Third, another friend said to me "you've got to do what you've got to do."  Finally, someone understands!  I NEED to do this.  My desire to act has taken me to some very dark places.  I don't look at audition announcements and say "I want to do that play"; rather, I look at audition announcements and say "they'll never cast me in that play."  When I go into an audition, my first instinct is that "I don't stand a chance".  When I leave the audition, even if I think I did a fine job, I'm immediately preparing for the rejection.  Oh, by the way, remember that this is all COMMUNITY THEATRE!  I'm getting this frustrated with community theatre, people doing this just for fun!

I think it all came down to one line, which I realized was both sad and repulsive.  "I'm just not good enough for them to look past my brown skin."  What the hell is wrong with my brown skin?  My desire to act has made me look upon my brown skin as a "negative".

The acting world isn't going to miss me, seriously.  It's not easy to give up on a dream, and I have been very sad for the past few months, since I realized it has come to this.  But I NEED to do this.